Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Showing the Million Dollar Shitter

It's been a long time since I've done my Showing the Shitter blog so I wanted to make this a big one!  The Million Dollar Shitter!  Yes, it does exist.  You would think that people with a million dollar home would have the sense to keep it up but noooo. 

The 1st story starts with a client that was looking in a great part of Denver, Hilltop/Crestmoor.  She gave me a budget of a million and I thought it would be easy.  From the outside this home looked pretty good.  Large home with tile roof on a good sized lot.  It was an estate sale so we knew it may be a little dated.  The pictures were pretty vague online so we knew it may be a little rough but opening the door was enough to make anyone take a step back outside.  The smell was the first hit that we took.  Someone had smoked for about 30 years inside and after being closed up for months, the smell multiplied.  I'm also thinking someone had left a fish rotting in the kitchen somewhere but since I couldn't see it, I can't be sure.  Just know, that's what it smelled like.  The carpets were moldy from the leak in the ceiling and 30 years of cat piss (or maybe dog, ferret, rat, etc).  The kitchen had appliances from the 60's that hadn't been cleaned since the 60's and the oven had probably an inch of grease/debris coating the bottom. I can't speak to the upstairs because after seeing the bottom level my clients face had turned white and she was holding her shirt over her face.  I assumed that to mean, let's get the heck out so we turned and wished the new buyer good luck. 

The 2nd story comes from a beautiful historic home in Capital Hill.  It was on the market for $450K but it had 8000 sq ft and a 3000 sq ft carriage house.  I thought there was no way this could be listed for that little so I had to go look.  First I checked out the History online and saw that it was haunted so being someone that doesn't really believe in ghosts I thought I would be ok.  To be sure I was protected I brought my mom and 7 year old niece with me.  We got to the property and we all fell in love!  It was a castle!  The sandstone exterior was crumbling but we didn't care.  At that price we thought we could work on the outside.  We opened the door and found a charming entry.  I couldn't believe my luck!  This would be a perfect bed and breakfast or conference center.  Into the house we go and we could still see a lot of the historic features.  The house had been converted into office space so it needed a lot of work to make it back to a house but again, we thought at that price, we could handle it.   Up the stairs we went and I started getting a bit freaked out.  I can't explain it really but the first bedroom we went into there was a doll and card from someone addressing the ghost.  Well that freaked me out a bit but I still thought we were good.  I could see more damage in the plaster here and knew that was going to have to come out but again, good price right?  We enter the 3rd level and I'm more freaked out because now I've seen a lot more water damage and you can tell that the crumbling sandstone outside has made the inside even worse.  I assume there was mold but I still was in for the price.  Then we go into the basement.  Of course I send my 7 year old niece first to find the lights only because she has better night vision.  She couldn't find the lights right away so as I'm standing in the dark I can feel my panic rising.  I really shouldn't have read the ghost story first because I know that they found secret rooms that had been totally walled off for no reason, there were rumors of dead children being buried down there and of course I could feel the ghost breathing down my neck.  I had my phone out to light my way and my niece was way ahead of me so I called after her and was weaving my way through the maze of the basement after her.  We get to the far end where the boiler was and my niece finally found the light so we are standing in the totally closed in basement with no windows when the boiler makes a gigantic gurgle and I jumped so far, I may have hit my head.  I double timed it back to the stairs and let my niece handle turning off the lights (she really is a good assistant).  So other than being creeped out, I still thought it was a good deal.  Off to the carriage house.  This was the main building for offices so we step in and I am washed over with creepy crawly feelings again.  We walk around the curved walls and into weird dead ends and up to the 2nd level.  The lights were flickering on and off and of course it could have been the electrical from 1885 but I was convinced it was the ghost.  Then as I'm bravely leading the way to the kitchen area ( my niece had finally lost her bravery back in the basement and I had to take over), I turn the corner to a sleeping bag and bags of something.  I turned so fast and passed my niece and mom as I ran for the door.  That was the end of my ghost hunting days for sure.  That mansion has now been converted to a beautiful bed and breakfast that commands $300 a night.  I got my brother and sister in law a gift certificate to try it out.  When my mom asked why I didn't get one myself, I replied that I have to see if they make it through the night first! 

The last story was of a house with a good amount of acreage in a good area so we were really buying it for that and my buyer thought he wouldn't care about the house.  Turns out you care about the house when you find it in that bad of condition!  We were greeted by the nice homeowner that was selling the house.  She invited us in and while I usually ask if we should take off our shoes, it was immediately apparent that we should leave them on for safety.  There was dog poo everywhere.  She just walked over it!  So we follow her into the living room where we can see broken out windows that were duck taped instead of replaced, carpet torn up all over from the 6 dogs she had. There was a game room above the garage and we made the mistake of opening the door to 3 large dogs that while they didn't bite, did jump but had been living in their own filth so long that I had lovely dog poo prints all over my pants and shirt.  The homeowner was nice enough to say she was sorry but they were her daughters dogs and out of her control.  We were pretty much done at this point but she wanted to continue the tour so we followed.  Into the bathroom where you couldn't see the tub because it was filled with dirty clothes.  Into the bedrooms where the water damage in one was so bad the ceiling was falling in and the other was filled with so much dust and crap you couldn't step in.  Into the basement where she pointed out broken and horrible furniture that she was willing to sell to us.  Into the sunroom where her dad bred and kept his dogs and apparently didn't ever clean.  All the while we are stepping over dog bombs and holding our breath for the next horror that we will find.  We then thanked her and hustled ourselves outside to fresh air.  It was there that I saw that the garage door was hanging by one hinge and had been propped up by the car that was inside.  My client politely told me that he didn't want to see the barns but I was already in my car gunning the engine to get the heck outta there! 


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